It's 4am in the morning, I woke up to pee and as usual I can feel blood dripping and blood clog...
This time, Baby cord came out and I yelled for hubby to call the gynae and I know my baby is definitely gone this time... Gynae did a scan for me and baby heartbeat was still there but slow, meaning he's going to leave us anytime.... Gynae told me cervix is about 1cm open and contractions will start most probably in the afternoon.
I was warded to the hospital room at about 5am and every 3 hourly nurse will come in to insert pills to my vaginal to let contractions happen fast so that I wont be in misery... Knowing what will happen and waiting for it to happen is miserable and painful. 2 Bags of anti-biotic was injected at different timing and I was shivering each time when it was injected, it's so cold that I need 3 blanket to cover me...
9am... 12pm... 3pm... 6pm... 9pm...10pm... Contractions started at about 11pm
I can feel something is coming out, I felt terrible, fear, despair and in pain...
Hubby was with me all this while, the contractions pain is killing me and I refused to take the painkiller offered by the nurses. Hubby witness everything, it's very horrifying for him to witness the whole procedure and my groaning (nearly screaming) with excruciating pain is stabbing his heart with pain ... Gynae arrived at about 11.30pm and she tried to help me to pull out my baby head but it's simply too painful and I shouted at her to stop...
I was pushed to B1, operating theater for cleaning operation, I was put on local anesthesia. While waiting for the gynae I can feel that baby is out and follow by a "POP" sound and I can feel lots of blood flowing out...
Hubby told me nurses push me up at about 2am, I woke up at 5am and hubby is sleeping and I din want to wake him up. He's exhausted. 15 mins later, nurse came in to check on me and asking me to try to pee and I did. Gynae came in at about 8am to check on me and I asked her for my baby... She told me the nurses will bring in for me after my breakfast.
I cried my heart out when my gynae left...
Nurse came in with a blue strip box with a label with my name on it...
I saw my baby little fingers, feet, mouth, nose, ears... tears rolled down my face. I did a little prayer for him...
It was so difficult to be in the hospital seeing other people with happy faces welcoming their newborn babies.
Dear friend, thank you for your concern. I will need more time to tell you guys I am fine but now I'm not.
The head of deputy director of nursing gave me a book "Farewell, my child" when I discharge from the hospital and she handed us her namecard and told me I can call or sms her anytime if I need someone to talk to. I would like to share the following with everyone, it's from the book.
What will I say? - by Linda Sawley
I won't say I know how you feel - because I don't.
She've lost parents, granparents, aunts and uncle, friends. But she've never lost a child. She came close, once. She had a miscarriage, but it's not the same. So how can I say I know how you feel?
I won't say you'll get over it - because you won't.
Life will have to go on. The washing, the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, the command round. These chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there. A small corner of your heart will grieve forever. Life carries on, but it will never be quite the same.
I wont say "Never mind, your other children will be a comfort to you - because they may not be.
Many mothers She've talked to say that they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy, when the other child is not. Children can be cruel too. They may not understand death.
I won't say "Never mind, you're still young to have another baby" - because that wont help.
A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, and give you sleepness nights. But it will not be the one you've lost. And you mustn't try to pretend it will.
You may hear all these and other platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don't know what else to say. You will find out who are your true friends at this time. Many will avoid you because they can't face you. They'll cross the road to avoid talking to you. Otherss will make effort to talk to you. They'll talk about the weather, the holidays, the school concert, but never about your child - never about you and how you are coping.
So what will I say?
I will say I'm here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere.
I'll cry with you if need be.
I'll talk about your loved one.
I wont mind how long you grieve.
I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
I'll sit with you during birthday and anniversaries.
No, I don't know how you feel - but with sharing perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me, and find your burden has eased.
She've lost parents, granparents, aunts and uncle, friends. But she've never lost a child. She came close, once. She had a miscarriage, but it's not the same. So how can I say I know how you feel?
I won't say you'll get over it - because you won't.
Life will have to go on. The washing, the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, the command round. These chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there. A small corner of your heart will grieve forever. Life carries on, but it will never be quite the same.
I wont say "Never mind, your other children will be a comfort to you - because they may not be.
Many mothers She've talked to say that they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy, when the other child is not. Children can be cruel too. They may not understand death.
I won't say "Never mind, you're still young to have another baby" - because that wont help.
A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, and give you sleepness nights. But it will not be the one you've lost. And you mustn't try to pretend it will.
You may hear all these and other platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don't know what else to say. You will find out who are your true friends at this time. Many will avoid you because they can't face you. They'll cross the road to avoid talking to you. Otherss will make effort to talk to you. They'll talk about the weather, the holidays, the school concert, but never about your child - never about you and how you are coping.
So what will I say?
I will say I'm here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere.
I'll cry with you if need be.
I'll talk about your loved one.
I wont mind how long you grieve.
I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
I'll sit with you during birthday and anniversaries.
No, I don't know how you feel - but with sharing perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me, and find your burden has eased.
